Living with feeling like the ugly girl

Image from: Bill Goat Soap

What if you woke up one day and realized that you couldn’t do anything to conform to what society accepts as beautiful?

We always say that it’s inner beauty that counts, but without knowing it we try to conform to what the media dictates to as beautiful. We diet, frequent the parlor, splurge on clothes, and buy more skincare and makeup products than we need.

One day, I woke up with an itch in my skin, an extreme itch that spread through my body. An itch which bled, thickened, and secreted fluid. I went to my dermatologist and was told that I developed adult eczema, an auto-immune disease whose cause was unknown. The next thing I new, I was was always treating my patches (parts with eczema) or visiting the derm clinic.

Suddenly, whenever I put on makeup, my skin would get irritated so I couldn’t anymore. I had a hard time dressing up because some fabrics would make my skin itch and react. I couldn’t wear clothes that would expose the infected areas so it was good-bye sleeveless and shorts. I also couldn’t do anything with my hair because my scalp would react, so I was good-bye hair treatments.

Aside from that I could only eat bland food which made it really difficult to go out and eat.  Smoking also irritated my skin so, I had to tell my friends who smoked to not smoke around me. I couldn’t dance or workout because I couldn’t take the itch. I also couldn’t swim because I couldn’t wear a bathing suit.

My life as I new it, basically ended.

Image: from

I felt so frustrated, sad, and helpless. Is this how my life was going to be from now on? I feel like no one, apart from my family, could understand what I was feeling. I felt like a loser, like the ugliest one in the room.  While everyone else was glammed up in a party, I feel like I didn’t belong.

I come from a family of good looking people. Most of my cousins are heartthrobs and I’ve always felt like I didn’t measure up. What more now???

For months, I didn’t know what to do.  How was I going to cover fashion events looking the way I did? Like a freak?

How was any guy going to love, let alone be attracted, to someone like me?

I tried every soap  and lotion that promised it would improve my condition. I cried and prayed to God to make it go away.

It didn’t.

It was just there like a leach I wanted out of my body….until I realized that I wasn’t going to let how I looked dictate how to live my life. I was still very much alive. I still had my set of skills. I still could write! I still could do good in the world.

Looking back, I guess it was really my faith that saved me during that really challenging time in my life. I realized that there was more to life than feeling that I conformed with what society dictated was beautiful. I had so much more to offer the world. Underneath my flaky, read skin, I was still the same person. People just had to accept me for who I was now.

Eventually, I was able to adjust to my new life. My friends (or the ones that stayed) turned out to be true friends who were willing to adjust to what I could or couldn’t do. I didn’t judge me if I didn’t drink or willingly went out of the room when they had to smoke. They also made sure that I was able to eat something whenever we would go out to eat.

I am better now, but the things I’ve learned are still very much with me.

  • I learned that beyond the commercial things that is advertised to us everyday of our lives, there is so much more to life. Even without them, life is still definitely a kick ass adventure is worth experiencing.
  • I learned that true friends will be by your side no matter what.
  • When everybody else is gone, God will still be there.
  • I now understand what it’s like to have a health handicap, and I don’t take my health lightly anymore.
  • I learned what products help in curing or relieving eczema, so I gladly share it with people who are suffering from the same condition. At the top of list is this soap from G-Stuff.Oatmeal

I hope that reading this has somehow taught some things about life. I shared this experience of mine, because it was a hard one.  I hope that it will inspire you or give you strength if you are suffering from eczema,  self-esteem issues, or any other health or personal problems.


I couldn’t find any pictures showing my rashes because I was always covered up. But I did see something that very slightly showed what I went through.

Scares of the past on my left shoulder. 
Healing at this point. Here are the scares where my oozing patches used to be. I was so thin then because I couldn’t eat anything.
See those rashes? Now imagine it all over your body for 3 years.
Image from Pinterest
I now post selfies without makeup. (although I here I am wearing a little). This is how I look like, you just have to accept how I look like.

Beyond the Wall: The Beauty of Moving On

Moving On.

It’s a term usually associated with a past relationship.The truth is though, people move on from way more things in life- it can be a failed test, a stolen phone, a lost friendship, a humiliating experience, etc. The list goes on.

Moving on is a test of strength. When you’re in the middle on moving on, it always seems like you’ll never be able to get past the finish line. It’s like you’re always looking back at the way things were before, to how you wished things had turned out in the past.

The thing is, the past will only be just that— THE PAST. Nothing will come out of looking back—it won’t change no matter how many times you look back at it, wishing that’s not what you saw.

Unfortunately, it always looks differently when you’re looking at it from the middle.

Thank God, there always seems to be that jolt that inexplicably happens. Something that pushes us beyond the wall of yesterday, allowing us to be liberated from hanging on to whatever it is.

All of us have been constantly moving on from stuff. And if you think about it, what would
life be like if you didn’t have to move on from anything? Life would definitely be easier.

But  would you be better?

Something to think about.